I've been avoiding posting any "world's biggest loser" posts because well, I haven't really lost any weight. After three weeks of healthier eating, smaller portions, appetite suppressants, frequent runs, beach, outdoors, activities and even a freakin food diary, I have lost 2kg. How the actual hell? Seriously... WHY? My clothes have not loosened at all, 98% of my wardrobe has been completely abandoned and today I completely, utterly and indefinitely gave up.
I was on my way to the shops and thought to stop by at my doctor and although he was fully booked I convinced the receptionist that I could just "run in real quick and literally jump on his scale and run out" which is exactly what I did. Honestly, I was hoping to at least be back in the 60-something-kg wonderland of hope, but GUYS.
73kg.
Man it was awful. So completely devastating and UN-rewarding. I walked out and around the corner straight to kentucky fried failure. I sat in a corner inside with my brown paper take-away bag, sunglasses on and I just cried and cried and cried. The more I ate, the wetter my face.
Wait stop. Look, I know that I am not super duper overweight and according to my BMI I am still in the safe zone, but do you even know how this feels? I feel gross every day. I feeeeeel fat, sluggish, heavy and unattractive. I don't hop up to play with the boys, I don't feel sexy or confident or strong or healthy. And I feel completely out of control. I cannot control my appetite, my metabolism - and even after everything I tried it didn't really work. It's so demotivating. It's so... unforgivable. I just want to sleep and be in my bed and eat and eat and eat or drink wine or just make myself not feel my body.
Somewhere down this rabbit hole I feel like I've let myself go. Stopped caring as much about my appearance and more about my kids and my business. Maybe I stopped being attractive. Sexy. Maybe with my ambition I stopped being fun. I have reached the level of self loathing and am completely lost in bat country. I just want to give up.
I'm in a dark place man. I don't know how to sugar-coat this or make it socially acceptable and I'm not trying to get you to like me because right now I'm not really a big fan of myself. And I haaaate it when people say "don't be so hard on yourself... it will get better... you're not this and you're actually that and..." it just makes me feel even worse because I don't want people feeling sorry for me because I already feel sorry for me. And if you don't like yourself, then it's actually impossible to be aware that other people like or even love you. Dead hearts don't beat.
I went to the shops and instead of buying strappy, summery dresses and cute vests, I came home with cardigans and shrugs to hide my body. I cried in the dressing room when I tried on this adorable cream lace dress that pulled up to my thighs instead of my knees and wouldn't button up. Then wouldn't come off. And I just stared at myself at every three-dimensional angle and I cried again. I went home with my stupid cardigans and felt sorry for myself. Unable to subject my beautiful, happy boys to my sulky face, I grabbed the littles, dressed them in their new super hero capes and trotted back to the doctor. Mommy got an injection and two little tubes of blood have been sent off to pathology to check my thyroid and investigate a full blood count. The boys were really impressed at how brave mommy was with the needle and loved seeing the bloody specimens. They're going to scratch around in my blood for answers, and if nothing comes from that then we take it from there. WHEREVER that may be.
I really, really appreciate the abundance of emails, suggestions, messages and referrals since my initial post about my weight, I do. I know that I am not alone - thank you for wrapping your big, warm digital arms all around me. That post sky-rocketed for all the right reasons and I'm glad that we're talking about our bodies a bit more - even if it is mine. Raising Men is not here to impress and give you a smoke-and-mirrors view of an average woman's average life. This is real. I am unhappy with my body right now and I am trying to do something about it. While I appreciate the suggestions on programs, diets and meal plans I really just want to do this the honest, normal, fuss-free way. I KNOW which foods are bad for me, and which will make me gain weight. I know about sugar and carbs. I know about exercise. I don't want a quick diet that will give amazing short term results.
I want to eat the normal way. Salads, grains, fiber, nuts, fruit, the odd pasta, fish, white meat, sashimi - I want to feed my body with nutrients and water and fresh air. I want to strengthen and build muscle and not deprive myself of anything or weigh my food or write down everything I eat. The truth is, my body is getting older. I'll slowly lose my metabolism, my energy, my youth and my bounce-back. If I don't embrace this change and punch it in the face while it's still coming, then I'm not going to win here. And I sort of like winning.
I just want to be healthy. I want to jump up when my kids call me to see their new drawing and spend hours at the park and run and play and be a happy, energetic and confident mom. I want to put on a bit of red lipstick and feel sexy. I want to try on a dress and think I look beautiful.
Anyway.
This is not over. This little engine could, can and will. There will be tears, there will be frustration and disappointment and there will be more fried chicken weak moments, but I'm not giving up. 2kg down. 13 to go. I quickly snapped a few pictures. It's bad lighting, dark, it's messy, it's all thighs-in-your-face... but it's ME, and I'm a-changing.
Thanks for sharing - I've been in your shoes so many times and for so long. I applaud your honesty, not with us - but with yourself! I appreciate your wish to do this on your own, but something to think about is who will be supporting you emotionally along this journey. It can be long and lonely, and unless you find someone else (not family) to be your "person" it could become too much for you at times.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and keep going, it's the toughest road you'll ever walk, but the destination is just SO WORTH IT!
So glad to know that I am not the only one feeling this way! I am also 83kg, lost few kg, fitted someoldclothes,got SO motivated then Christmas came! I haven't gain. weight but my tummy got rounder again! Itsall about your emotions,we get discouridhged so quickly! I want more but yet I am the onlythat can do something about it! Good luck with the results and plan afterwards!
ReplyDeleteHey hon, I'm sure you've had loads of advice but I'll throw thus in the ring. Read A course in weight loss by Marianne Williamson. It's not a diet it's about learning to love yourself. I hated the book and struggled to read it. I persevered and at the end I thought it was a load of bollocks. But I had list 5kg at the end without dieting and on our next beach holiday I didn't swim in a sarong. Eventually it occurred to me that I was being kinder to myself. I've lost 15kg and I honestly haven't dieted I find myself no longer obsessed with the scale and I feel amazing. It really sounds like your problem isn't your food/excercise but something deeper?
ReplyDeleteHi darling. I think most of us (men and women) have gained weight in our lives and have felt exactly like you are feeling right now. When I gained weight when I lived in Cape Town, nothing I did helped get rid of it (I went from my normal 57kg to about 64 kgs - not a lot, but I felt just what you are describing above, and I had to live in big dresses and tights because none of my jeans would fit me).
ReplyDeleteThe weight eventually fell off (without me even trying) when I moved back back to KZN, got busy with a new job, and fell in love with Andrew. Sometimes gaining weight, and holding onto that weight can be all in the mind, sometimes our bodies need some extra protection for our hurt little souls… sometimes if weight is all we can think about, then it stays. What's that saying again…. "What we resists, persists"? I am hoping those blood tests come back with some answers - until then, continue to eat well and exercise, and maybe try some yoga and meditation and reiki (I know you're probably scoffing at this), but getting in tune with your body AND emotions is sometimes what one needs to do to help let go of the weight.
Sending so much love and hugs xxx
You LOST weight over the Christmas/New Year period? Hell, that is amazing. This is the absolute worst time in all of the year in which to try and lost weight. I always gain about 3kg during this time. I think the next few months will definitely yield better results for you, but losing weight at this time of year is actually an achievement.
ReplyDeleteWell done i gained did gain 2kg this festive season. A week long holiday eating 3 big meals a day at the table with family did it for me. im back home eating my smaller portions, lunch a salad wrap and summer a meat free stirfry, im starving for a extra yummyness but found GI lean 10 day detox and sticking to this detox, lost the 2kg i gained anther 7 days to go. I did get a spray tan and braved a bikini in the first time in years without that tan i can see people running. I think hittng 31, i have finally started to embrace life a bit more not cared now bad i feel. I put my big granny panties on and suck it all in. Everyday is challange but i want to enjoy running after my son in the pool, at the beach and try enjoy this summer as much as possible. Spray tans, support underware and woolies magic jeans and capri pants does wonders.
ReplyDeleteUhm, are you mad? Who loses ANY weight over the festive season? 2kg might not sound like much, but 1. considering the minimalistic dietary adjustments you're making (definitely better long-term) it's actually a perfectly reasonable amount, and 2. I'd consider it an achievement if one can even manage to just maintain one's weight after weeks of holidaying. So, there ain't nothing to cry about here. I was expecting to read that you'd put on a few kgs! ;)
ReplyDeleteI know you are not looking for advice. And respect for sharing! I contemplated quite a bit before sending this and in the end thought it can't hurt. Dukan diet! I had my babies 14 months apart and I was where you are now about a year ago. I belong to several moms groups and this is how most of them shed their weight. I love my wine and so I cheated daily, but I still lost weight. I did not make it a lifestyle (I'm vegetarian now) but it gave me that boost I needed to keep going and change my habits. Hang in there! Love x deepinthemotherhood.
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