Dear Diary.

It sounds juvenile, but this is how I still start my entries in my little notebook of secrets. I'm having a huge problem at the moment. The problem is that I'm always, in everything: thinking faster than I can type. I'm doing more in my head than time and resources are able to allocate and its suffocating me. When I get overwhelmed by allll the things that need and want doing then I shut off and shut down. I crawl in to a book, take a nap, do laundry - do anything but deal with the actual situation. 

Not with work. Work is going well. Between The Birdhouse, Raising Men and writing for a few other people and places - things are moving in a well set pace. I'm pitching on two rather attractive clients at the moment, so please hold ALL your thumbs, toes and noses for me.

I just have so many OTHER things that need doing. I run social media workshops that I love as I genuinely love teaching and helping others. I love seeing those bulbs shine brightly as I unlock little chambers of information. LOVE. I've trained PR agencies and other companies internally on blogging, and I really want to take this to the next step and host professional blogger workshops. Maybe combine with Social Media and SEO and get a whole really cool group of people together. Do one in Joburg too. I am not particularly good at many things, but I really feel that I'm good at teaching. I wish I had more things that I knew more about so I could just teach everyone everything there was - you know? Anyway. 

I don't know a lot about many things, so there's that. 

I'm sitting on this Buttons and Honey book that I need to send to my new-found and wonderful editor but I'm scared and making a thousand one hundred and one excuses in my head as to why its not good enough. I read Dr Seuss' "Oh the places you'll go" to the boys the other night and I was like "MAN, who are you kidding Tash - you can't write!!!" And there's that. 

I want to open something to do with food. A coffee shop, a restaurant, a something-anything food related. I don't have the money for that sort of thing, so there's LOTS and nothing of that. 

I want to buy a house, see France, finish my family tree, write more books, start another blog, another website, learn how to put my own eye drops in, go to the dentist, lose weight, finish the boys' room, get another rabbit, finish the bunny hutch, all the half-read books on my dresser, write a play, find the right school for the boys, take Noah for vaccinations and I'm about 17 blog posts behind on things I'm supposed to be blogging about and instead of all of that I just want to take a nap or watch Friends from episode one to finish all in one week and sometimes I can't even breathe thinking about all of these things. 

Funny and awful how I am able to completely overwhelm myself by doing none of the things that I'm supposed to be doing. 

Do you ever get like this; that you have so many things that need and want doing that you just do nothing at all? I'd love to write a little play and get the boys to be my actors and then we'll put it on YouTube and it will go viral and we will all be millionaires and never want for anything again. That is my 5 year plan at the moment. Not really. 

Do you ever lay awake at night and wonder what you would do with 10 million rands? I get really in to it sometimes. I full on argue with myself over silly and wonderful ideas. I deliberate on whether or not I would tell anyone that I have that money. Who I would give it to. The other night I decided that I would split it evenly between my mom, Dad, Graeme, Paul, Noah, Ben and me. That's about 1.7 million per person, but then I figured that you can't really do all that much with only 1.7 million and then I was really upset because my solution had failed. And then I figured I could give some people more and some less, and then I thought about how some people might take that the wrong way and it might hurt or cause an argument and then I was really upset that all that money had made my whole family fight and then I didn't want the money anymore and then I was too tired thinking about it. 

Its 23:12. I should sleep. We had a little braai tonight and it was nice because the boys could play outside while we were chatting, and then everyone went to bed hours ago and I cleaned the whole house, even though the nanny is coming tomorrow, I spent hours cleaning the house, packing lunches and doing laundry JUST so I didn't have to deal with all the things that I want to do with my life. Like now, that I'm here talking all sorts of nonsense to nobody in particular while I should be drawing up some sort of personal project plan. 

Anyway. I'm going to go argue with myself over those millions again. Maybe I'll find a solution. Don't pretend that my make-believe problems aren't serious. Goodnight friends.