I've been working on The Birdhouse since yesterday. It's been so amazing - sort of. The boys are on school holidays for another week, so working from home is proving to be rather difficult. I've been operating from a nearby coffee shop, but yesterday I went home at midday to play with Little & Bunny. We walked to a local 'kaffie' and bought some bubblegum and fizzers, then we went to the park and played for almost two hours. The boys were very confused and kept asking me why I was at home - why didn't I leave in the morning with daddy, is it Saturday? I got home again at 4pm and we made dinner together. By the time daddy got home, supper was ready and all that admin was done & bunny dusted by 17:30. I would usually only get home round-about 18:00. It was great - we had some extra time to play and there was less tension and rushing around at home. I got to enjoy the boys more, instead of just 'managing' them.
Working on my own is going to be stressful in the beginning. I'm trying to get in to the routine of things and this morning I realized that I have no salary coming in on the 28th of July. While I have clients & resources, it does knock you rather hard straight in the jaw. I had a full-on panic attack in bed this morning and almost didn't want to get up. I wanted to ostrich my face in to the ground and never come out. I really am struggling today - emotionally? I tend to just do things. I am very spontaneous and so far it's sort of worked out. This is going to work too, right? I'm having a hard day and doubting all the things. I love every moment of all of this and big things are happening, but I just get these rushes of panic sometimes. I guess that's normal.
G and I had a mini argument last night about unrelated things and I didn't know how to explain to him what I'm going through right now. Admittedly, I hadn't even tried. I don't want to tell him or anyone when I'm going through these motions because I don't want to appear weak. Sounds stupid, right? Sometimes I'd rather pretend that everything is awesome than admit or accept any help or emotional support of any kind. Sometimes I just want to cling to him and for him to tell me that everything's going to be okay, but I don't. Instead I tend to shut people out.
