When Benjamin was a few weeks old, and I was just coming to grips (and sincerely not coping) with having two little children in the house: I promised myself to never, ever ever have another child. What was I thinking? I thought. Benjamin's first year was probably the hardest year at home. The most special, loving, fantastic, wonderful time -but the hardest. I don't even know how that makes sense, but it does. Maybe other moms cope better with kids at this age gap, maybe it was only me that found it erm... Challenging. I don't know. Most moms don't tend to talk about their struggles too easily, so it is all a mystery. I know that some parents get it. People often think the boys are twins (I know, right? ALL the time) and when I say that they're a year apart, I get a slightly sympathetic look from them and I'm like "Yes, I know... I need a nap." Straight.
Maybe it's just my boys. Maybe girls are the same. Noah and Benjamin are busy busy busy and loud loud loud. Sometimes I really want some female company. Or to put a little hair clip in their hair. You know? Funny thing is, I never really wanted a girl. I love being a mom to boys.
For the past few weeks, I have been lingering on pictures that I usually paid little attention to. Maternity clothes, certain blogs, pictures of my friends' daughters on facebook. When I do, it literally feels like my uterus is itchy. I don't know how else to explain it. My heart goes all warm and I instinctively touch my stomach and I find myself picking out names and mentally decorating the nursery. It is that bad. It is that irrational. I keep telling myself that I'll get over this. So I am rationalizing all of this to myself. And scratching this itch every way I can.
Reasons that we CANNOT have another baby right now or ever: 1. We probably could not afford it. Nope, I'm pretty sure we couldn't. Not comfortably. 2. There is no space at home for another little person. 3. What if I have another boy? I love boys, they're the best, but could I handle three? Probably not. 4. I 'just' got my figure back. Do I want to go through another pregnancy, gaining another twenty kg for the third time? That may sound selfish, but I haven't felt this good about myself in years and I am enjoying it. 5. Could I handle three children at all? Regardless of the gender? 6. Do I really want to be twenty seven years old with THREE children? 7. I don't like being pregnant. I really don't. I get really sick and depressed and hormonal and fat. Some girls pull off pregnant, I just don't. 8. I really need to find ten reasons here. I need to convince myself that this is a bad idea. 9. I could not fit three car seats in the car. Oh wait, Noah wouldn't need one then. Dammit. 10. All my baby stuff is blue.
Here are a few pictures of nice maternity clothes and currently pregnant blogger at Rockstar Diaries with her daughter Eleanor. I love that name, but I already have a few names picked out for my daughter. You know, the one I'm never having. Aaaargh. I'll get over this.
