The thing about Noah is that we first need to talk about my late brother Neil.

Even trying to write about this makes me feel heart sore - thinking about parents that have children with learning disabilities, or other obstacles in their intellectual ability. My late brother Neil had  Coeliac disease, constant ear infections, malnourishment and needed a lot of extra care. My first memories of my older brother is of him in hospital. My first nightmares were of me teasing him for the little things that were out of his control. His handwriting. The cotton wool permanently positioned in his ears. His asthma pumps. My bragging when I brought my report cards home. Kids just don't understand and I certainly didn't. I've convinced myself that it's normal for siblings to tease one another. Please know that many hours, weeks and years of consultations with psychologists went in to the previous sentence. Noted, a rather expensive sentence.

It has taken me a very long time to talk about this. It's taken many tearful arguments with my mother and feelings of inadequacy to even get close to thinking about all of this again. Even though I understand now, and only since I have children... It still hurts. 

Neil had a setback in his early development due to Coeliac Disease which meant that he couldn't digest food. His body received no nourishment and it affected his growth and development in every way. Back then, medical care wasn't what it is now - especially not in the small town of Empangeni. I remember some of it. I remember the footsteps and crying in the middle of the night. I remember my mom being tired. I remember my brother screaming as another ear drum burst. The arguments at the dinner table about his eating. The way he tore down his room in frustration. The medication. The asthma attacks. When he couldn't breathe properly. The anxiety and heartache of always knowing that there is "something wrong" with your brother. Even when there wasn't.

Through all of this, my mom was trying to find a solution or even just a diagnosis. More doctors, tests, specialists. He developed learning disabilities. She was trying to keep Neil out of Remedial School and for him to lead a 'normal' a life. She spent hours helping him with homework, learning, tests... Not just in primary school but right through to high school. As 'tough' and popular and gym / bike crazy as Neil was in high school, sometimes I would still find my mom's door closed as she helped Neil to study late in to the night. They said he'd never get his Matric, but he did. And then he died the next year. 

Rewind back. 

As a child, I obviously wanted attention. I would nag my mom to also help me with my homework, my spelling, my math.  I didn't understand why she gave Neil so much more attention. Why he was more special than me. When I got full marks for a test it was normal, when Neil passed it was a celebration. I didn't think that was very fair. Neil was her number one, the one that got all the attention, affection and special treatment. I kept quiet about it until much later. I acted out. I sought other ways to find attention. My mom tried. She started giving out prizes to the child that got the best report card. I got this beautiful doll called Katie but it was a bittersweet victory. I wanted to win, but I wanted Neil to win too. Sometimes I wanted to do bad at school so that my mom would spend more time with me. When I got bad marks, I was in trouble. When Neil got bad marks, he got sympathy. For as long as I can remember as a child, I remember feeling angry with my mom and I didn't even know why.

And of course I understand now, but I only really understood in my mid to late 20s. It wasn't that my mom didn't love me, it wasn't that I wasn't special. My mom loved and still loves me SO MUCH. In my later years she told me what she couldn't openly tell me back then: That I was better at some things, that I didn't need as much help, that I was a very bright little girl. She was and is an amazing mother (dankie Mamma xx)

And people teased my brother. We were two years apart at school and teachers would say to my brother in frustration "Why can't you be more like your sister" "Why aren't you good at this like Natasha is?" "Why does it take you so long to do this - your sister is so much better at this."  As I sit here, tears are heating my face as I realize how that must have affected him. When those horrid teachers yelled at him. Embarrassed him. How easy it was for me.

And I wonder if any of this will affect both Noah and Benjamin. They're so close, so different. We need to tread with both eyes open, and guide our little family through these changes and developments.

When people started talking about Noah and how clever he is, and how he needs to go for tests and assessments; I never took it any further. Every time that Benjamin squealed "But I'm ALSO clever!". Every time that Noah openly gets praised like a prize pig in front of his brother. Every time that Noah teases Ben for not knowing something - a sharp little sting of pain flows steadily up and down my spine. But of course Benjamin IS clever, and still so very little.

I am proud of Nu for being a bright boy. After doing research and speaking to numerous educational psychologists and describing Noah's quirks - they unanimously agree that he is *cringe* gifted. The question is 'how' advanced and which school he would need to go to. I understand why the teachers want the paperwork. It takes every educator 2 terms to get to know Noah, and by then he'd lost 6 months of the correct stimulation. Right now, he's been put a year ahead and is doing Grade R work. This means that he might not go to the same school as Benjamin, which would crush my mommy heart. Noah would need to be breaking codes and go all "Good Will Hunting" on us before I put him in to a different school, really.

I know that he's very bright. I don't want to tell you about any of it, because it's going to sound weird and braggy and every mother thinks and knows that their child is special and the most wonderful child of all the children.  He's just escalated lately, and we're all struggling to keep up with his development. It's our responsibility to ensure that all his needs are met, so we have agreed to have him assessed after many "are you SURE" phone calls to his teachers, OT's and educational psychologists. They're all sure.

Noah's going for an assessment in mid May. It's a three day process, and I don't know how I feel about any of it. I'll let you know how it goes, what they say - what our signs were and what this will mean for our little Noah going forward. While many parents would lead their children in to any and every opportunity that they qualify for... I still just want to hide him behind my skirt and for him to be completely, beautifully and perfectly average. Here's to your next big steps little Nu. Mommy's right behind you x