An open letter to my 20s. Hello, goodbye and looking forward to the future.

I haven't been sharing much lately. A combination of reasons really. Mostly... There's nothing to say. Things are, well - incredible.  I'm hesitant to even talk about it. Like saying "Candyman" in the mirror five times to summons disaster. 

But there are no disasters.

See, the thing about your 20s is that you will make most of your mistakes. Your 20s is when you start your life. Your first job, serious relationships, first flat / house and for most - this is when you will get married and have your first children. That's quite a lot to cram in to ten years. In your 20s you'll suffer your first big heartbreaks - lose relationships, get hurt, and break up with friends that you've outgrown. 

As I approach my 30s, I looked back and realized that since 20 I have

• Changed careers 3 times from Picture Editing, TV Production, PR and Social Media. To my boys: Take your time finding what you want to do, but do something. A lot of little somethings and nothings will eventually lead you in to your big everything.

• Changed cities 3 times from Empangeni -> Durban -> Johannesburg -> Cape Town. I remember when I left Empangeni for Durban, I walked around carrying pepper spray for a good few months. I was so terrified of the city and all the people, it was weird.

• Was in 3 serious relationships with boys that I thought I would settle down with for keeps. All great guys, that have happily settled in to their lives. Relationships that never really felt right, even when they were.

• Got married to the right guy and fell in love with him several times as we very quickly changed, drifted, got lost and fell in to each other over and over again. We have decades and lifetimes left to journey together, and I have someone that knows every single thing about me, and loves me anyway.

• Made mistakes that hurt a lot of people. Now that I have felt hurt and experienced pain, my memories dart back to "I can't believe I said this to that person 8 years ago" or "I can't believe I broke that boy's heart that way" and I feel overcome by such heartache, but I can't get those words or actions back, and it hurts sometimes.

• Experienced 2 very different pregnancies that blessed me with 2 perfect and wonderful children. Motherhood has centered and grown me in ways that nothing else has, or ever will.

• Almost lost my marriage twice - lost it to the point that I didn't think we'd get it back again, but we did. You don't give up - not on someone that you love. Not on something that you believe in. Putting your pride aside. Pushing through pain. Not walking away when things are at their hardest. The overwhelming, soul-clenching gratitude when you've broken the heart of the person that you love most, and they still love you and want to be with you. When you've given someone your best and your worst. When you stay together through it all.

• Broke up with 'best' friends. Girls that I'd met in my early 20s, that I outgrew or who went on to live completely different lives than the ones we'd started out at. And friends who weren't really friends at all.

• Started 3 small businesses in my early 20s that all failed. I had it so completely wrong and learned things that you'll never find in a textbook

• Made career mistakes by accepting positions that offered no challenge. Learned to accept the right briefs - not just the paycheck. Being in an awful job that you're not passionate about will only render a bad reflection on you.

• Had several feelings about my body, ranging from disappointment, shame, love and acceptance. Well... the acceptance part is a bit on and off lately. We're working on it. 

• Had dozens of different hair cuts, developed my personal style and found clothes, looks and fragrances that suit me - not fashion. Looking back on all the hair I've had - I know that this style and color suited my face shape and personality the most. I've started buying more expensive garments, less frequently - and building a wardrobe for keeps.

• Became aware of my health. From having NO hangovers and working all nighters to 2 day hangovers, fatigue and first wrinkles. 

• Learned how to forgive myself. For missed opportunities, bad decisions, huge mistakes and hearts I broke. 

• Met and developed a whole new person that was hiding inside of me - a Mother. I grow with this part of myself every week, every year. I don't think I'll ever have this figured out, but I love being one - I LOVE being Noah and Benjamin's mommy.

• With motherhood I learned to be comfortably imperfect. Forgotten play dates, missed deadlines, flopped birthday parties, losing my patience, my temper, switching off and getting it all wrong sometimes. 

• I started saving. In my later 20s, I put a portion of my salary in a fixed account every month. This has been our umbrella on many rainy moments. Thunderstorms.

• I started exercising. I found a skincare regime that worked. Learned how to apply make-up properly and take care of myself a little bit better. At some point "mostly eating healthy" is not good enough anymore. I need to shape, tone and strengthen my body in to something marvelously healthy. I want to be proud and hold my eyes up high. I want my husband and my boys to be proud too.

Me at 26, about to move to Cape Town. This was when I started wearing 50 SPF on my face every day)

• Somewhere between your 20s and 30s you become a woman. You become more nurturing, generous,  confident, sensual and gracious. I have a lot more patience and understanding now than I had when I started as a mother, a friend, a business woman, a wife.

• In my 20s I worked really, really hard. All night, all weekend, public holidays, shut-down periods. I was hungry. Starting at the bottom didn't matter. Binding documents for people. Making coffee, taking minutes, fetching take-out for my boss, washing dishes - I did it all. I begged for opportunities, I didn't say no to anything. In my 30s, I won't be making anyone coffee. Maybe Graeme. (maybe)

• I started a strong, successful and fast growing company (or three) that are all thriving and lucrative. 

• Most importantly, in my 20s I learned to like myself; like really accept myself. I found out who I was, what I wanted, what mattered, and what is genuinely important. Suddenly other people's opinions don't matter as much, you aren't affected by jealousy or hurt by criticism. I became so content with myself and enthralled by the people that love me as much as I love them. 

Photo Paul Clark

I don't know what my 30s hold. I feel like things have really settled and only started now. Like the big shuffle and bustle after a career, a strong marriage, comfortable home, happy family and financial stability has been achieved. My 20s were exciting, exhausting and FUN. Something is at it's very end right now, and has been for quite some time.

With this - I guess I won't be writing too much about my feelings or thoughts on motherhood. Right now I really want to enjoy what we have and be more present - more involved and to enjoy our travels. Growing our businesses, playing with the boys, improving my fitness, saving for our dream house and maybe even publish those children's books I wrote. 

Will my 30s see me as a published author? A marathon runner? A mother to a number three? A home owner or a travel writer? Who knows what's coming for all of us, just right around the very next corner. Life is just incredibly exciting. I'm so grateful.