If you're happy and you know it & you really want to show it... Be very sad.

It's late and I can't sleep. It's been one of those everythingatonce days. There is a lot going on. Personally, family-wise, career-wise and with the blog. The husband. The house. Our companies. GOOD things. Everything is moving in the right direction, which makes me very happy. As great as things are, I'm feeling a bit withdrawn.

I'm turning 30 this year. I've been saying it a lot lately, as if it's a deadline of sorts. Half way through my life, at least. I'm half way. That's a pretty big milestone right there! I'm also feeling a bit disappointed by it - like I haven't done, seen, tried, worked, loved or experienced enough. If I only have 30 years left... that's only 30 more of the boys' birthdays. 30 more wedding anniversaries. 30 more Christmases. That's not a lot at all. So I'm feeling a bit rushed allofasudden. A bit sad that it will all be over one day, you know? Sooner or later we must all die and our children, their children, and theirs will all live on without us - only to be mentioned flippantly in future conversations like "I think your great gran had brown eyes, or were they hazel? Anyway how was your holiday at such and such."

It's all a bit frightening. 

As soon as things get real good and I start ticking off big boxes... I feel quite fearful. Like some giant hand is going to reach down from the sky and pull me away from it all. And one day I'll inevitably lose my parents. And I'd be so completely lost and lonely without them. I speak to my parents every. single. day. I love and need them in so many ways - we're close. They need to be here for everything! They can't go anywhere? One day many years from now I won't be able to call my dad in the middle of the night or whatsapp my mom with the sweetest thing Noah's just said. It's terrifying.

Lately I feel like I really want to go back. And I think about it a lot. Where would I go, if I could go all "Back to the Future" and things. Which date would I set that clock for? I'd want to go back to the day when I found out I was expecting Noah. I'd want to feel and re-live that pregnancy, and Ben's. To feel their little legs kicking about. To cry as I met them all over again. To smell their newborn hair and to hear those baby tiger cries again. Those little, wrinkly "please take care of me" bodies. Oh how I'd really love to go back there and re-live it all over again. To buy just five more years of their childhood back.

Even though everything's in such a good place... I'm feeling quite sad. Sad about how happy I feel? That it's going to be over too soon, eventually... even in 30, 40 or 50 years from now it will be too soon. Sad that I can't ever do it all over again - no matter how badly I want it; not for all the money, prayers, magic and pills in the world - you can't.