I'm struggling to write lately. So much happened so quickly; it was like being strapped to a rocket and as I looked down everything got really small and smaller and smaller and then BOOM. I've been keeping a low profile while I fall back to earth, and just sort of absorbing everyone around me without any prods, but just BEING here - you know? I've been so busy being someone all the time - a mom to the boys, a writer, a friend, a client, a daughter, a sister, a supplier... I want to be Tash too. I haven't felt obligated to do all the extras and I'm really enjoying my little space with my big thoughts. I'm used to escaping and running and distracting myself and keeping busy and being controlling and on top of everything.
Lately I'm very "I don't have to wash those dishes RIGHT now. The boys don't have to have dinner AS they get home from school. I don't actually HAVE to make my bed today. I don't NEED to attend this event or I don't REALLY have to go out tonight or make a SUPER healthy meal or reply to this email RIGHT this minute. It's been nice letting go a little bit and accepting all my little imperfections as my actual personality and not mini failures. I'm in such a good space right now and I feel so grateful and at peace most of the time. I've realised how very little I need to be happy, and gradually separated the good from the bad in my surroundings. If someone is negative or mean - I just avoid those people and situations. Usually I would be super confrontational and needy and WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME / MY PROJECT, but now I just slip away unaffected. If I don't win a specific pitch I don't beat myself up, but get geared up for the next opportunity because they always come. A little bit of patience, kindness and self-acceptance fills my days with little patches of warmth.
Maybe the most notable change is my perception of others, and trying to see the most beautiful parts of people. With the kids, I want them to behave a certain way. Maybe they're too loud or wake up too early or I want Noah to like certain books and for Benjamin to be more attentive and sometimes I don't let them just BE. I'm so busy correcting and molding them that I completely look past them. If I nurtured Benjamin's loskop-ness and looked harder in to his daydreams I might find a little adventure in there. Instead of moaning at Noah for being awake at the crack of dawn - I should get up WITH him. Embrace that hour of just us, before all the distractions and must-do's of the day begin. I'm really enjoying where my head has landed. I think I'll stick around and settle down and put my feet up for just a little bit. What's the big rush anyway?
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