A little bit on how things REALLY are and how they REALLY suck right now.

Okay. 

I need to get these posts out. If I don't, I'd just feel like a big phoney so just sort of hear me out. These past few weeks have been... Awful. Man it's so damn easy to create this super happy online presence, but its just not like that. Things are pretty darn horrible right now. 

I've been trying to talk myself through things or waiting for it to all change back. Maybe this time when the guy pulls the cloth from the cage, the white dove will be back inside. But the dove is gone. And I'm sitting here in the dark trying to figure everything out or try give myself a little sense of control, but its not coming. 

I just want my family to be happy. Things are not as they should be with my mom, my brother  - we've all taken a few knocks these past few weeks and it really just sucks. Every little piece of comfort, routine and security I had is gone. Our nanny of two years resigned to find a permanent job. School went on holidays. My mom broke her arm. Then had surgery. Then her rheumatoid arthritis got worse. Meaning that her one arm is in a sling and her other arm and both hands is inflamed with the disease. This was all last week I think - or was it the week before? Benjamin had his surgery to fix his balance. The fluid was drained from his ear but his balance is STILL completely off and if anything he is falling more often now. I need to get him to a specialist - I think it may be his feet, or one leg is longer than the other or something is just not right. I wish there was a big neon laser beam pointing at the issue. I want to fix you little buns, mommy just can't see!

Then with the attempted break-in and waiting over two weeks for security things to be installed is... disappointing. Terrifying. I just want to feel sort of safe in my own house again. I want to sleep with the light off. My last thoughts at night consist of mentally figuring out routes to the closest panic button for every possible scenario. I just want to feel normal.

Everyone is just so unhappy right now. I am unhappy. I want to hide under my duvet and make it all go away. I want to wake up without feeling exhausted and go to bed without feeling scared. I want to go through a day without feeling heavy and sad and hurt. 

Today was a good day. I took the boys to the park for a long play. Then to the library to apply for their first public library cards. They're so excited about being able to take home SEVEN books at a time. Then we got ice cream. I made us a little picnic lunch and we went back to the park. Then allofasudden Noah was mid freak out because I wouldn't push him on the swing anymore (mommy just wants to sit down for five minutes...) but he worst part of today was watching Benjamin play with the sweetest one year old baby girl at the park. He just stared and smiled at her the whole time. Now and then he'd stroke her short baba hair and he even shared his Nik-Naks with her. Whenever she was about to finish one, he was already sliding another chip in to her hand. So attentive. Curious. Gentle. I realized that I won't be able to give the boys a little sister or brother and it was like my heart started breaking and bleeding all over again. I am not going through a very special time right now. Somewhere along the line I seem to have given up the little Tash-fight. Whenever I try get up, life is standing there hovered over me and delivers another blow. I really am trying to get up. Just not right now, not tonight. I'm going to bed.