Benjamin's first big little operation. A nothing held back account from mom.

If you follow me on twitter (@Raising_Men ) then you know that we've been struggling with Benjamin's balance for a while. He has always been a clumsy kid, but we (and his teachers) couldn't ignore his constant bruises, cuts and bumps any longer. We took him to the Ear Institute where an ENT discovered a large fluid build up in one of his ears which was compromising his balance and hearing. After trying with cortisone to drain the fluid, we eventually had to go the Grommets route. This is a tiny tube like bead that will help to drain the fluid from little Benjamin's ear.  Now, I thought that I was tough - I KNOW that Ben is tough and cheerful, but really this morning was awful for me as a mommy.

Bunny was fine at the hospital, was fine in the day ward and even in theater where I showed him lots of familiar objects that we also have at home like taps, basins and chairs. I showed him that everyone was wearing silly hats (scrubs) and that it was a party of sorts. He was fine - laughing and clownish. I was fine. The anesthetist explained the process to me: That I could hold Benjamin on my lap, that he would have some gas that would make him sleepy, limp then finally asleep for his little, really minor procedure. This was his sweet little face before his operation - all smiley and eager to fix the water in his ears.  You sweet child.

Then you were on my lap. We told you that the gas was a Spider-Man mask. You were fine at first, but then you didn't really like the taste. We showed you how the mask was connected to an air balloon that you had to help blow up and you liked that so you put it on again. Then the taste got stronger and you didn't like that at all, and you tried to pull the bitter taste off, but they told me to hold it firmly on to your face as you were busy falling asleep. 

You struggled against me and it broke my mommy heart. Your sad and anxious, confused little eyes as I made you take it. I didn't like that very much. Then as you looked up at me, your arms were struggling and then your eyes went all funny and frantic. They rolled back and your arms got weaker and I had to keep the taste on your sweet little face until you stopped moving at all and lost all your strength. 

Then the nurses wanted to take you away and put you on the bed but I wouldn't let them. You were so vulnerable and weak and I couldn't let anyone else hold you because you needed me and I needed you. Your body wasn't like when you're asleep at night, it was completely lifeless. Your head rolled back and your arms fell to your side and my little boy wasn't there at all. Your breathing got weird and you wheezed a lot which gave me a really big fright but they said it was normal. They said you were fine - seven times they said you were fine. Then you started snoring like I've never heard before and it was so unnatural - like you weren't there at all. They asked me to leave and promised me another seven or maybe nineteen times that you would be fine - that everything would be fine. 

I walked out shaking, crying - it was so hard to see and feel you like that - like you lost life in my arms and there was nothing I could do to wake you up or change my mind right there if I wanted to. Like you were suffocating in to a deep sleep, very far away from all of us. I didn't like that at all and I wanted you back and normal and awake. 

I lost my brother when I was a younger girl, and watching someone lose life like that flooded my heart with a thousand fears and grief. For a second I tasted what it would be like to lose you in any way and my body shook and bled hot tears over it. You'll need to forgive me - you'll come to know that I am a very emotional mother and that my heart pumps only because you and your brother are in it. Without you, I would make it stop.

Noah was with daddy and when we told him you were getting some sleep, he started biting his nails all over again - asking for reassurance that you would wake up again - that you weren't going to sleep forever. Beside all your bickering and fist fights over bath sponges and juice bottles, I could see the true love in his eyes that I don't often see behind his guarded heart. Daddy wanted it to be him in there, we both just wanted to be with you. 

As soon as I heard you were in recovery I waited outside the theater doors - strong again for you. I couldn't stand the thought of you waking up without me there in a room full of masked, cold strangers and even through everyone I asked denied me entry, I went in anyway. Because you're my son and no amount of nurses, doctors or managers can stop me when I want you. You were still fast asleep. Then back in the day ward you were still sleeping. Two hours later you were still asleep. All the other kids were screaming and crying and shouting and you just slept with your purr-like snore and those pouted red lips as if nothing mattered. I lay on the bed and held you, rubbed your back and every ten minutes I whispered in your ear that I was there. 

Bunny eventually you slept so long that people were being admitted and discharged while we were there. I was told to expect the worst - that you might be disorientated, confused, anxious. That like the other kids you would cry your little lion heart out. Eventually I got my appetite back and started unwrapping a hospital cafeteria chocolate muffin that daddy had left us. As I peeled the wrapper, one of your eyes popped open. I sat frozen. Then the other eye. "Hiiii Bunnyyyy..." but your eyes darted between my muffin and a foreign object on your hand - a small bandage holding your drip in. "Mommy is there a NEEDLE in my arm???" you asked excitedly then jumped up and started inspecting it. "Is that tjhocolate mommy?" "Yes Bunny do you want some?" "Is there a needle in my arm?? Wooooow..." and then you just started laughing. You went from conscious to curious to excited in about seventeen seconds. Then you started announcing to the room and the nurses that there was a needle in your arm like a dog with a bone and everyone loved you. I loved you. This was your face as you woke up - I had to send it to everyone to show them how special you are. 

Not a tear, not a frown - you seem to have had a great time. You didn't remember falling asleep. The nurses let you keep your drip insertion piece in a little clear bag and you love it because it still has a droplet of your blood in the little tube and you think that's like the best thing that's ever happened in the world. You wanted to keep it to show Noah because you knew he would love that and he did. He hugged you so hard. In the car on the way home I heard him tell you quietly that he thought you won't wake up and you said "Downt worry No-ah, I'm back!" and you had that little conversation on the privacy of the back seat without even looking at each other. I squeezed daddy's knee and then we stopped to get you a burger and milkshake because a promise is a promise is a promise. And I promise that we love you. So much.