I've been thinking a lot about what defines a woman as "beautiful". Dove asked me to share my definition of Real Beauty with them, and I thought I'd share it with you too. This is a subject that is very close to my heart, because I want my boys to know this, and hopefully their wives -should they read this one day (they freakin better). The dictionary offers several suggestions.
When I was young, 'beauty' meant Miss SA and modeling classes. It meant beauty pageants, crowns, prizes and titles. I know because I was a slave to all of that for a very long time. My mom put me in to 'beauty' or modelling school to improve my posture and self confidence.
For my mom and I it meant outfits, routines, tanning beds, beauticians, photographs, entry forms, make up and lots of planning. For my dad it meant lots of traveling to Durban, New Castle and Johannesburg. To their credit (theirs more than mine) I did win a few titles. Model of the year, model searches, Miss Reach for a Dream and smaller things like Miss KZN or Miss Local Fishing Competition (or something). In small towns, there is always an occasion for a ramp, hair spray and a few judges.
I stopped enjoying it when I stopped winning. One title in particular that I thought my mom was 'gunning' for, and I didn't make the top ten at nationals or something. I felt like I'd really disappointed my parents because they'd driven so far and spent a lot of money at a time when we didn't really have a lot of it. I have albums of ridiculously embarrassing modelling photos, and my tiaras long ago became props for fancy dress occasions - it stopped meaning anything at all.
When they teach you to win beauty pageants, they don't tell you to stand in the judges face so they can see your bone structure or dimples in perfect clarity. They don't tell you to talk about the dimensions of your face, you don't need to wear a bikini or anything revealing. This is what they teach you (really):
Be graceful. Well poised, feminine. Smile a lot, with your whole face, lots of teeth. Be confident. Have a good stage presence, look people in the eyeballs, make an effort with your appearance and answer your interview questions well. Be funny, but intelligent. Do charity work, give back to your community. Be smart - talk about your favourite subjects or what you'd like to study. Even at beauty pageants, the right messaging is there. I have seen many drop dead gorgeous girls take to the ramp with no confidence or grace and watched them not even become finalists. Some of the prettiest girls that you've even seen in your life, with the most beautiful gowns, dripping in diamonds and stilettos.
In many ways, modeling taught me that self confidence is key. In life, business, marriage, relationships and even on stage; in front of judges with little pencils, score charts and bottled water.
As I became a mother (spoiler: Not the day you give birth, automatically... becoming a mother takes years to bloom and blossom) I learned that beauty also means forgiveness, acceptance, generosity and patience. Warmth, fun, kindness and love. If you want to see the most beautiful girl in the room, look for one that is happy, in love and beaming with energy, grace, strength and class. That's beauty to me.
The other night I went to ER with a friend to get stitches, and in the waiting area a woman came in carrying a large navy blue medicine ball and a huge belly. She giggled and conversed with her husband, mother and receptionist. Suddenly she pulled her medicine ball out, sat on it and kind of circled it with her hips, breathing and sort of smiling at the situation, with absolutely no regard for the room of onlookers (including me and my bleeding, clumsy friend). She was so confident, so happy and SO strong. Then when the contraction ended, she stood up, tucked the ball to her side and beamed at her husband. "Okay I'm ready" and they walked together through the double doors that would change her life forever. And everyone was smiling at her - you couldn't help it. She had no make up on, in her pajamas. She was so graceful, excited and focused. So blissfully unaware of anyone else except what her body and baby needed for her.
It's not make up, it's not being skinny or having nice clothes or expensive shoes. It's not sex appeal, its not perfect hair and it has very little to do with your physical appearance. Real beauty is taking care of yourself, happiness, strength, love, motherhood, friendship, confidence, kindness and knowledge. The most beautiful girl in the room is the one with the biggest, most energetic, natural and contagious smile.
True beauty is about how you approach life. And it doesn't matter what you look like, wear, do etc.
ReplyDeleteInteresting thoughts. But how do you feel about pageants now? If you had a daughter would you encourage her to participate?
ReplyDeleteI think as much as they encourage for women to be also intelligent and witty and charitable this is sometimes diminished by them parading around in bikinis. I worked with Greenpop in Zambia last year and we had the whole team of SA Miss Earth finalists with us. And while they were all determined young women, active in their communities, and some of them really smart, I couldn't take it/them serious when I saw them wearing full on make-up, lacy skirts, and heels - we were planting trees on farms!!! And again doesn't it also increase the idea in young girls minds that you have to be everything - smart and funny and intelligent? And while that is obviously great if you are all that doesn't it increase the pressure even more to be all-around perfect?
Real beauty to me is interesting. When you describe something as interesting it is often not really a compliment, but there is something about...something challenging, something that becomes perfect through its imperfections. I like smiles that are too wide, freckles, wrinkles - animation and features that tell stories in your face.
Real beauty to comes from the inside!
ReplyDeletehttp://johced-ourjourneytoeverywhere.blogspot.com/
xxx
And also one of the 10 finalists out of about 10 000 for New Face Of Africa :)
ReplyDeleteI did not know that about you!
ReplyDeleteLOVE this post :) it's why I love doing photography... I try to bring out the story in each person... and it's the story that creates a lot of the beauty.