Dear little Benjamin - What is going on inside your body that I can't see???

Benjamin has always been a clumsy boy. There were many times when I was like "We should get him checked..." or "Maybe there's something wrong with his eyes?" but so many people & friends wrote it off to toddler years. That is just how kids are when they start walking and being more mobile... But that was two years ago. How long is a child supposed to be quite this clumsy for?

I'm really struggling to write this because if anything is wrong... Its all my fault. Even though people reassured me over the years that he is just a clumsy kid, I always had this nagging feeling in my mind that something could be wrong somewhere. I know that he can see us. He can hear us. This morning I did another round of "Benny how many fingers is mommy holding?" "BUNNY EARS!" (2). He can see. I know he can hear, but I don't know just how much. My late brother had MAJOR problems with his ears as a toddler and was completely deaf at times. He had three sets of grommits, burst ear drums, hearing loss and damage... Awful, awful, awful. Ben has never had an ear infection or any issues like these, so maybe it is NOT his ears. 

Basically, Ben is very clumsy. He falls... several times a day - definitely every day. He walks in to things, he doesn't have good depth perception and isn't very good at concentrating. Sometimes his falls are small, but sometimes he really gets knocked down hard. His legs are always covered in bruises and roasties - more than Noah ever was. Writing this makes me sick to my stomach because I always knew that wasn't normal. Last weekend he had three really big falls - one where he landed up under a trolley at Builder's Warehouse, covered in soil and cuts. He fell again at home, and fell off a 1.5 meter slide. Thing is, no matter the cut or bump, he just gets up and keeps going. On Monday morning with lots of nicks, cuts and new bruises we sent him to school. On the way in to class, Graeme says he tripped and fell on his face, even before reaching the gate and was in a state. He is three next month - this can't be normal? Scrapes and bruises have just become part of who he is to us. He's a little adventurer, always running around, climbing things and up to mischief.

We have casually observed that if we ever took Benjamin to hospital for something (twice before) then we'd be under serious questioning over all his bruises and things. We wrote it off to him just being extremely clumsy with a short attention span... But is it? 

On Tuesday a school teacher pulled Graeme aside and asked that we take Benjamin to a specialist to check his ears and eyes. She is the most wonderful teacher and she would never over react. She said that Benjamin really does fall a lot more than any of the other kids - his age and younger. She was worried. 

I feel so guilty, like I've honestly failed him. I thought that something wasn't exactly perfect with his balance, and I didn't trust my instincts. I should have - even if nothing serious is wrong with him, why didn't I act on my intuition? What if it IS serious, what if its gotten worse and my two years spent ignoring it has made it worse, and now its too late to fix it? We always joke that Ben doesn't pay attention and is in his own world, but WHAT IF HE REALLY IS? 

And then there's this other part of me that doesn't want to take him to a specialist. I don't want to know. He is happy, he is perfect - if there's something in there that I can't fix, then I don't want to know because I could not stand the thought of letting my son down. I would never recover or forgive myself. 

We're going to go on Friday. Maybe its nothing. Maybe its everything. Maybe we can fix it, maybe we can't. Maybe I am over-reacting. Me, his teachers, my mother and everyone else that's pointed it out. Maybe we're all just over reacting? Maybe he'll find his feet soon? Maybe he'll take a really serious fall one day and it will be all my fault too. Oh Bunny please be okay - just be okay, and I promise to take better care of you. Please just be okay.