It's our biggest fear as parents: Losing our kids. A tough thing to talk about, but kids do go missing all the time. On a daily basis. Kids go missing. It sucks. It really really does. Obviously. Worst. Nightmare. EVER.
We were at the beach this weekend and there was a moment with one of the kids when all of the parents were like "Where is so-and-so". It wasn't my child that day, but I've had that moment with Noah in a clothing store before. No matter how well you watch them, they can wriggle away right in front of you. Easily. I watch my kids, but sometimes it really is a case of "now you see him, now OMG I CAN'T FIND MY SON". In three seconds. Right in front of you. Or mostly it's a case of "I thought you were watching him" and "No, I thought YOU were watching him" and so it goes. Kids get lost and can't always find their way back either. Another problem. Mostly, they're not really in any danger and are actually like four meters away from you -under a table, behind a door, in amongst rails of clothing... But sometimes they really just make a run for it... As kids do.
Once, Graeme couldn't find me at a concert. I was sitting like three rows behind our group of friends. I was on the phone to someone, and just kind of checking the crowds out. Graeme was FURIOUS when he "found" me. I thought he'd lost me. I was like "Dude, I wasn't lost, I knew exactly where I was" which made him more mad, but that for another day. I'm sure that this is how kids feel about it too. I really had no idea why he was angry with me. I could see HIM, you know? Well, no he didn't know.
So after this little incident at the beach yesterday where five adults were searching between crowds of kids for "the one that got away", I just felt... I can't explain the feeling. Like the world is ending. He was only 'misplaced' for about three seconds until we were like, "Oh there he is, right here..." but still. When that happens, your whole body just fails. You can't move. You can't think. You can't swallow. You don't know it, but you stop breathing. Everything starts getting bigger and smaller all around you. Your ears make this loud thumping noise which I guess is your heart or something. You're mentally picking a photograph for the MISSING poster, an explanation as to how this happened, and psychologically preparing yourself for the funeral. You expect the worst. You don't have hope. You don't want to breathe again. That moment where you don't know where your child is... Is nothing short of anything. Of everything. It's just... There are no words. It almost always turns out that your child was never missing, he was right there, but your body doesn't forget that feeling. Doesn't forgive. And it's always there at the back of your mind "What if... How did I let those three seconds happen, how do I avoid it... What if... "
I'm feking paranoid about things like that. Really. I do little memory exercises with Noah. I've been trying to get him to memorise his address. I make a game out of it "Where do you live?" and we repeat it over and over. Whenever we go for a walk or go to the shops... We get home and I ask him, "Where are we?" "What is this address?" "Where do you live" "Who lives here?" and I ask that question in every way that someone may ask it to him. He knows his address. He knows his full name and surname. He knows mine and Graeme's. He knows our full names beyond 'mommy' and 'daddy'. Maybe it's not too 'mentally healthy' that I'm doing disaster management with my toddler, but whatever.
The kids were so good for the rest of the day, but I did make a boundary line for them. I literally drew a big circle around them and instructed "You do NOT cross here unless it is with one of us... If you want water for your bucket, to go swim, pick up shells, play in the rock pools etc, you have to tell us etc." We called it the circle of trust. They overstepped once or twice, and Noah got a tap on his bum and decided it was actually not worth it. Boundaries. I like them. I need them. My kids need them.
It was a super happy, controlled environment after that and we all had the best day! Call me paranoid, but I have two kids. I'm always worried about them and always will be. And then one day I will be like that with their kids too. I don't think it will ever stop. Mother's instinct to protect their young. It really is the worst part about parenting... The constant fear. It really really sucks.
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| The circle of trust |